Strange things happen to me in Fall. The air is crisp, and the leaves are colorful. I had always felt connected to the universe, but I never thought a presence would possess me. I know it sounds crazy, but I truly believed there was a presence living inside of me. It was a voice. A voice that haunted my every thought, a voice that ruined my every word, a voice that disrupted my every move. It was not unusual for me to feel peculiar during the fall, but this was different; it consumed me. The wind was rattling the windows, but I only felt it in my chest.
I tried to carry on with my regular life. This presence was not going to take over me. I would remind myself that I am stronger than any demon. It had been a successful day— the presence had seemed to go dormant, or so I thought. Just as I was dozing off, it came back. I could feel the presence stomping its feet, pressing against my chest, making me shake. I sat up, gasping for air. My room was silent, but my body was a storm. The walls were steady, but my hands trembled. The presence whispered a thousand frantic thoughts, all at once. You’re failing. You’re behind. You’re disappointing everyone. Do better. I tried to fight it but couldn’t. I covered my ears with my pillow, but the voices continued. It was not in my room; it was in my head.
Days blended into one. There was no escaping it. At school, I couldn’t participate without being demolished by doubt. You are wrong. You are embarrassing yourself. You need to do better. Any simple task was interrupted by the devastating thoughts and fears this presence was feeding my brain. The only thing I saw when I looked in the mirror was the presence. I saw shame. I saw doubt. I saw fear. Do better. Do more.
My relationships suffered most of all. My friends and family grew concerned. They asked if I was tired, but how could I explain the presence inside my head was sucking the life straight out of me?
One rainy night, I couldn’t take it anymore. I sat on the ground, knees pressed against my chest, rocking back and forth. My hands started to shake, my breath slipped away from my lungs, and before I could even process it, tears were streaming down my face. My mind was running at a million miles a minute, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. This was my breaking point. The presence had claimed full control of me.
I begged the presence to make stop. I couldn’t take it anymore. I raced to the light and flicked it on. I headed to my mirror, ready to confront the presence. I took a deep breath and finally looked up to see the reflection. Let’s just say I didn’t expect what I saw.
It was just me. Plain, old, regular me. My chest was rising, my hands were clammy, and my eyes were red. There was no presence, no demon, no curse. Just me, haunted by my own anxiety. A wave of relief fell over me. At least I knew there was no supernatural being inside of me. Acknowledging my anxiety did not vanish it thought. It just made it visible, and somehow that was better. I was happy knowing there was nothing wrong with me. When those thoughts invaded my mind, I knew what they were and how to handle them.
